I often do not feel like I am enough.
Last week at youth group, I decided to address the issue of homosexuality from a biblical perspective with the students. As you can probably imagine, Satan worked hard to cause as many distractions as possible. The students were as rowdy and full of attitude as ever. We really had a difficult time calming them down when the time came for worship and the sermon.
Without getting too much into the details of the situation, it was a rough night. Praise God that His Word still went forth in a powerful way and people went home with much to process. We had a family productive and insightful Q&A time after the sermon as well. So on the surface, it looked like despite the behavioral issues, things still went well.
I didn't really think much about it as I locked up the church by myself. I muttered a small prayer to God in the silence of the now empty youth room for Him to continue to work in the students' hearts. Satan was not done trying to thwart God's work just because everyone had gone home and I began to get really discouraged.
We throw that word around a lot don't we? You need to understand that I really began to feel a deep, lingering, disheartening, disarming and downright painful discouragement. And if you've ever been there, you know that it wasn't because I had to scold a few teenagers for two hours on a Wednesday night. No, it ran much deeper than that.
See, I came to South Shore Community Church with a vision that I believe God set firm in my heart. A vision to see these students find and follow Jesus with their whole hearts. A vision to see them all discipled and grow in the knowledge and faith of our Lord Jesus. I put my plans in place to make sure that we could accomplish that goal. And although I know that it's going to take years to see the ministry get to that place, there are just moments when I don't feel like I am enough to get us there.Then I go home to a wife who is already in bed because her day has been even longer than mine, and I begin to wish that I could have seen her to trade stories from the day that is now in the rear view. I realize that ministry takes much sacrifice and truthfully is one of the toughest jobs on earth. I realize that however hard it is on me, it's even harder on her. She has to deal with her job and support me in my ministry. That is no easy task. I begin to wish I could offer more encouragement and strength to her than I do.
I begin to remember the times when I lashed out in pointless arguments with her that result in both of us wishing we hadn't just wasted an hour on such a ridiculous argument. And so, yet again I feel like I am not enough of a husband that this amazing woman of God deserves for me to be to her.
So I take a shower, grab a bowl of ice-cream (which always makes things at least a little better) and sit up in the bed to process it all. I'm reminded that first of all and most importantly, I will never be enough, but Jesus is always more than enough in every area of my life. I could never be the husband that I am supposed to be without Jesus. I could never be the youth pastor I want to be without Jesus.
And so I begin to find comfort in my Savior who does not just simply make up in the areas that I am lacking. He shines through every area as the All-Sufficient, All-Satisfying One. The Savior who invites us to journey with Him through this life that He has graciously blessed us with reminds us that even when we make our plans and shout our vows to be better and do more; He is still all we need.
Even further still, He reminds us that the journey is better than the explanation. To be on this journey with Him; growing, striving, finding grace in times of need and experiencing His power of sanctification is so much better than completing the goals I have set for my life. And ultimately, our eternal destination will be the fulfillment of the journey we're on.
To not feel like I am enough is to take the focus off of Jesus and place it on myself. That is simply a set-up for failure. And so, although we are to relentlessly pursue holiness and victory in these areas of our lives, we must not ever place the weight of being enough on our shoulders. We must simply lay that burden down at the foot of the cross and fix our eyes on the One who "is faithful; he will surely do it" (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
If I would simply walk with Him instead of trying to fight for Him, He could demonstrate in a very tangible way that His "power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). I can love my wife because of the love He has for me. I can see students transformed because I just need to direct them to the One who is still transforming me. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).
As these gospel truths began to wash over me, I was brought into a mindset of thankfulness. What began in frustration and deep discouragement was transformed into joy and hope. Only Jesus can do that, because only Jesus makes beautiful things out of dust. He can weave the stories of my failures and shortcomings into the tapestry that is my life and reveal something beautiful because of His grace.
This has been more of a time for me to type out and share what's really going on in my heart than a time to produce a good, insightful blog post. I pray that it makes sense to you and that the same truths of the gospel that penetrated my heart that night can do the same for you. May we never feel that we have to be enough because we have a relationship with the One who is always more than enough. "Our supply, breath of life and still...more awesome than we could ever know!"
